Never Piss off the Wrestling Gods
by EroSenin'sDeciplesKJT
Summary: CRACK! SILLINESS! Some of the WWE Superstars don't believe in the Wrestling Gods. The Gods will have their revenge and will do it by any means necessary. The wrath of the Gods will turn the entire WWE upside down like crazy! Full summary inside!
1. There's no such thing as a wrestling god

_**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING BUT THE COMPLETELY REDICULOUS PLOT - OR LACK THERE OF - OF THIS FIC. THE WWE AND ALL IT'S WRESTLERS BELONG TO VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON. IF I OWNE THEM, SHAWN WOULD BE IN MY BED THIS VERY INSTANT! OH AND I AM NOT MAKING MONEY OFF OF THIS. -stops shouting-**_

Summary: This story will be more or less drabbles that will eventually tie together at some point in the story. All of them will be centered around said 'Wrestling Gods' and their wrath when people don't do as their told. I plan to use just about every superstar on the roster; some I'll use several times like Shawny or Chris because they are too much fun to work with. If you don't like crack and you want an actual plot, turn away now. This muse is here for the sole purpose of making people laugh by whatever means necessary.

**WARNING: It's total crack. ALL crack. ALL of the wrestlers will be pretty much in canon only exaggerated a little bit. A few of them will have to be a little OOC but who cares? It's a crack fic. Also, there will be tons of homosexual overtones, hints of slash yada yada. Will be lots of bad language but I'll do my best to keep it rated 'T' for now. But in case my smut muse kicks in later on, the rating WILL change to 'M'. I'm not responsible if you end up reading smut. That's why I have this big ass warning here. Oh and fluff. Will be a lot of that and just down right silliness that makes no sense at all but hey. Everynow and then you could use a laugh and that's what these drabbles are for. And now on to our first victim...**

* * *

"Wow. We so kicked some major booty tonight," Shawn said happily. Hunter squeezed his hand as they walked side by side, swinging their arms back and forth. Some of the guys cast them knowing glances and even snickered as they walked by but they didn't care. They were back and better than ever. Bigger than ever and they be damned if anyone or anything would stand in their way.

"Oh of course my little Shawny. Don't we always?"

"Yeah but it still feels weird," he said sadly. Shawn turned to his partner staring down at the floor.

"Oh Shawny please look at me. Tell me what's wrong?" He cupped Shawn's face tenderly.

"It's just that, Hunt, every time we form DX something bad happens and we're forced to separate."

"That's not true Shawny!" he exclaimed. "We don't _always_ have bad luck." Shawn placed his hands on his hips frowning.

"Oh yeah right. Don't you remember my back injury?" Hunter scratched his head.

"Yeah but…"

"And what about the night you gave me the pedigree?"

"Well I didn't mean…"

"And your knee injury took us out the last time." Shawn's eyes suddenly welled with tears. He grabbed Hunter, clinging to him and just sobbed. "Oh Hunty! I just can't…I can't bear the thought of us being separated again! Who will I fight crime with? Who will I bake cookies for? I…I can't make good cookies but you eat them even though they taste like chocolate tomato dough."

"Oh Shawny don't cry. I promise to always be here for you and eat your cookies."

"Don't make promises you can't keep." Both men pulled apart and turned to face the person that had interrupted their Kodak moment.

"Chris, what the hell do you want?" Hunter snapped. "Shouldn't you be somewhere practicing your stripper dance?"

"Yeah but I needed a break. The heels were killing me." Chris strutted up to the two tag partners with a smirk on his face. He was shirtless and was wearing some hideous looking trunks that were gold with black sequins. The sequins spelled out 'Bite Me' on his rear.

"So why are you here?" Shawn asked. He tried to sound angry but truth is, he was having a hard time concentrating on his anger because Chris looked pretty tasty. His body was all slick with oil and his hair was all spiked up. _I bet I could run and slide across his body like a slip in slide. That would so turn me on… _Shawn's finger went to his mouth and _smack!_ "Ouch! What was that for Hunter?" Shawn rubbed the back of his hand glaring at his partner.

"You were about to start fantasizing about Chris."

"I was not!" he said hotly.

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Will you two assclowns shut the hell up? Gosh." He pushed his way in between the two arguing partners, trying hard not to think about how his ass was now firmly pressed up against Shawn's.

"Alright Chris. Get on with it!" Hunter growled.

"Okay. Well…ahem. So yeah. I just thought I'd warn you Hunter that you probably shouldn't have Shawn with you all the time. In fact I think…_Oh man…_" he moaned. Chris closed his eyes for a second before opening them again. Hunter quirked a brow at him but Chris waved it off.

"Uh…does my being close to you make you uncomfortable?" Hunter asked.

"No, no, no," Chris said quickly. "It's fine. I mean…oh damn…" All of a sudden Shawn giggled making Hunter angry again.

"Shawn, are you bothering Chris?" Shawn pouted.

"Not my fault his ass is pressed against mine," he grumbled. Hunter pushed Chris aside irritably.

"Get to the point Chris before you're raped!"

"Oh yeah. Um…about you two. If you two team up, bad things will start happening. The Wrestling Gods don't like it when you have more than one partner."

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean? I only have one partner and that's Shawn."

"Hunter you have another partner that you used to use all the time. Now that DX is back, you tossed him aside like a rag doll and the Gods will get you for it." Chris moved behind Shawn and grabbed his hips rubbing against him. The blonde only giggled at the sudden action. "You know Hunter, if you let me take Shawn off your hands then you won't be punished by the Wrestling Gods."

"What? I don't believe in the Wrestling Gods!" Shawn clasped his hand over his mouth.

"Hunty! How dare you! The Wrestling Gods are what got us here in the first place. You should apologize now!" he scolded.

"I will NOT apologize because there is no such thing!"

"Fine then. Come on Chris." Shawn grabbed Chris' hand walking away from Hunter. "Until you ask the Gods to forgive you, I will not be your partner. I don't want to risk losing you for good. If I lose you, then who's going to eat my tomato chocolate chip cookies?" Chris opened his mouth to respond but then closed it just as quickly, feeling slightly sick in the stomach. _What the hell kind of cookie is that? It sounds hypocritical. Yek! Who wants a cookie with an identity crisis?_

"Are you just going to leave with Chris? Are you dumping me? What if a crime is committed Shawn? Are you really going to make me fight alone?"

"Hunter you better go repent less you be judged!" Chris yelled before running out of the arena with Shawn.

**~~~00~~~**

Hunter ended up leaving the arena alone. While on his way back to his hotel room, he called Shawn several times but each time Shawn hung up on him. _What nonsense! There's no such thing as Wrestling Gods! Well…unless you count JBL but he's no God if he looks __**that**__ bad in trunks! _When Hunter finally reached his hotel room, he locked himself inside and headed straight for the shower. Hunter put on his favorite Jonas Brother's CD so he could sing while washing.

"I'm burnin' up…burnin' up for you baby! Dom! Dom! Dom! Dom!" Hunter giggled as he held the body wash, singing into it like a mic. He swayed his hips getting lost in the soothing sound of his favorite male voices, though he'd never tell Shawn or Jeff that. _CRASH! BOOM! CLUNCK CLUNCK!_ Hunter almost slipped and fell in the shower the noise scared him so badly. He turned the water off then slowly drew the curtain back.

"Oh noes!" What he saw made him want to cry. His boom box was lying in the floor all smashed to pieces along with all of his favorite CDs. There was a huge crack down the middle of the Jonas Brother's jewel case, right between Joe Jonas' perfect face. "Oh no! What have I done to deserve this?" Tears fell down Hunter's face as he scrambled to pick up the remains of his CDs. He said a silent prayer in their memory before tossing the pieces into the trash. _What a night! First I lose my partner. Then I lose my jerk off music. What's next?_ Hunter angrily crawled into bed hoping sleep would help him forget about all his mishaps.

"You've been neglecting me Hunter." Hunter quickly sat up, his eyes searching the room.

"I…I know I heard a voice," he said to himself.

"That's because you did Hunter." Hunter glanced all around the room but everything there was inanimate. There a small table in one corner with two chairs and a dressed a few feet in front of the bed. On the dresser was a TV. Hunter wondered if the TV was somehow broken so he eased out of bed to go and check it. He beat the top of it a few times then hit the 'power' button. The TV wouldn't even come on. _Hmmm…that's strange. So where's the damn voice coming from?_ "HUNTER! LOOK AT ME!" the voice growled. Hunter jumped. It sounded like the Joker from _The Dark Knight_ and Hunter was terribly afraid of him. The Joker reminded him of clowns and he hated clowns.

"Please," Hunter pleaded. "Where…where are you? Why are you torturing me?"

"Behind you." Hunter quickly turned around to see a sledgehammer standing there. It was standing straight up on it's wooden handle supposedly staring at him.

"Uh…is this some kind of bad joke?"

"I don't believe it is. You see me standing here don't you?" Hunter looked around the room nervously trying to find some sort of reasonable explanation.

"Okay. I'm going to bed. This is too much for me." Hunter turned to leave when all of a sudden he was knocked forward on his stomach. "Hey! What gives?!" He tried to push himself up off the floor but it was too strong. Mr. Sledgehammer placed his cool, steel head at Hunter's ear and hissed softly.

"Chris tried to warn you Hunter but you wouldn't listen! If you would have just asked the Gods to forgive you then I wouldn't have to do this."

"This…this is crazy! You can't talk! You're a fucking hammer for Christ's sake." The sledgehammer laughed loudly.

"It's _Mr._ Sledgehammer to you mister and no, Christ won't help you this time. It is only the wrestling Gods and until you apologize for neglecting me, your former partner, then you will suffer the wrath of the Gods," he cackled.

"Oh really? And just _what_ do the Gods have in store for me?" All of a sudden Hunter's short's disappeared leaving him butt naked. He soon felt something cold touch the back of his hiney making him jump. "Oh God please no! I'm…I can't…I won't let you violate me! I'm a top! A top dammit! Shawn's the happy bottom not me!" he yelled but his cries were all in vain.

"God can't help you Hunter," the hammer sang. "I am going to straighten you out, hammer you good until you cry out to the wrestling Gods." Hunter's screams pierced the night but by the end of it, he was no longer doubting the Wrestling Gods. And he never would again…at least until he could call an exorcist to get rid of the demon in his sledgehammer.


	2. There are no sex Gods either

Wrestling God Fact # 627 - **There is no such thing as sex Gods.**

**~~~00~~~**

Cody Rhodes sat in the locker room watching his friends Kofi and Punk play rock, paper, scissors. Each time Kofi won a round, Punk had to kiss his ass but if Punk won, Kofi had to lick his dirty boot. They played this game almost every Monday night and it kind of bothered Cody. True they were both young like him but why couldn't they act a little more mature? The door of the locker room opened for like the umpteeth time that evening and in walked Randy Orton, Cody's stable leader.

"About time you get here," Cody exclaimed. "I was afraid I was going to start growing backwards like Benjamin Button and we all know how he ended up," Cody grumbled.

"Oh shush Cody. Sometimes it pays to be around people your own age."

"But Randy, what can they do for me? You've already given me your great wisdom and even shared some of your sexiness with me. What more do I need?" Randy stared down at his favorite apprentice and smiled.

"Well, I suppose you have a point. I'm nothing but greatness…and sex. Mostly sex." Randy suddenly frowned. His eyes moved past Cody to Kofi and Punk who were still at their game of rock, paper, scissors. _Why aren't they paying attention to me? They should be staring at me! Randy! The sex God!_ Randy stormed across the locker room and gave Kofi a shove.

"Huh? Oh hey Randy! Wanna play mon?" he asked.

"Do I wanna play? How dare you talk to the sex God like that? I don't wanna play with you unsexy boys. But you…you guys should be begging me to play with you." Kofi looked at Punk and they both shrugged.

"Uh…okay. So yeah. Will you please play with us?" Punk asked. Randy's face formed a wry smile.

"Not today boys but if you're good, you just might get lucky next week." Randy left the locker room with an awestruck Cody on his tail. Randy walked up the hall pretending not to notice how all the people were staring at his sexiness. _Oh yeah! I'm sexy! They know it. They only wish they could be this sexy._ Randy soon spotted a disgruntled looking Chris Jericho standing in the hall. He was sporting some brand new trunks this week that read 'Pinch Me' on the back. Randy couldn't resist. He walked behind Chris pinching him as hard as he could.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Damn that hurts!" He turned around and smacked Randy on the arm.

"Well not my fault your girly ass is walking around here with 'Pinch Me' on your butt. I was only doing what your ass asked of me," he reasoned.

"Well fuck you. My ass does not wish to be tainted by the likes of hypocrites and non followers of the faith like you."

"Oh calm down motor mouth and how does pinching your ass make me a hypocrite? Hell you should be thankful that I even graced you with my presence. I'm the very definition of sex and socializing with the likes of you goes against everything I stand for!" Chris scoffed.

"Oh please! You wouldn't even have that _sexy_ if it wasn't for the Wrestling Gods and you know what? I used to envy you, cursing the Gods daily for not giving me your sex appeal, but if it makes me an arrogant jerk like you then keep your fucking sex appeal. I don't need it anyway since my new boyfriend is the guy that defined sex to begin with," he huffed.

"Oh really? There's no one sexier than me around here!"

"Ha! That's what you think." Chris nodded his head up the hall and what Randy saw made his insides boil. Shawn Michaels was wearing a cute little mini skirt with matching boots. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his hair had been pulled up into two high piggy tails with pink ribbons that bounced whenever he moved. All the Divas were going on and on about how sexy he looked and Randy hated it.

"WHAT! This is….this is madness! Shawn looks like a creepy old pedophile in that skirt!"

"Naa…I think he looks cute," Chris said dreamily.

"Why the hell is he dressed like that anyway?"

"He lost a bet and I am not inclined to give you details."

"Those girls should be fawning over me!"

"Then go over there and let them! I'm tired of your fucking complaining anyway."

"What? How dare you order the sex God around!"

"Former sex God by tomorrow. You're abusing the very gift given to you by the Gods. They will make you pay if you don't repent."

"Repent? _Gods?_" Randy scoffed. "What the hell are you going on about? Have you finally lost it Chris?"

"No, the Wrestling Gods are real Randy. They gave you that sex appeal just like they gave me Shawn."

"_Oh really?_" Randy rolled his eyes.

"Yeah. Roll your eyes all you want but it's the truth. Hunter denied the Gods' existence and when he did, he paid the price. The Gods took Shawn from him and gave him to me. I've been thanking the Gods ever since."

"Uh…right." _He has so lost it._

"You don't sound so sure Randy," a voice crooned from behind. He turned around to see Shawn standing in front of him batting his fake eyelashes. Mickie James and Melina were at his sides, running their hands across his body and planting kisses on his arms.

"Oh Shawny please come back with us!" Melina moaned.

"Oh yes Shawn! We promise to behave," Mickie added.

"Oh God you guys are pathetic! Shawn looks absolutely disgusting in that hideous skirt and you all have the _audacity_ to think him sexy over me?!"

"Randy, when are you going to get it through your thick skull that you are NOT – I repeat – NOT a sex God. You have what we call sex _appeal _and it was granted unto you by the Wrestling Gods!"

"ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU PEOPLE! TELL VINCE I'M SICK BECAUSE I'M LEAVING! Come on Cody!" Randy started back down the hall but stopped just as quickly. He turned to see Cody licking his lips while staring at Shawn and the girls. He started to call after him but he was too pissed to care anymore. _Damn Cody. Damn Chris. Damn them all. Damn Wrestling Gods. There is no such thing. I got my sexiness by working…no…_ Randy laughed. _That would be lying. I was __**born**__ sexy._ Randy went inside the empty locker room to get his things when he noticed that a shiny new mirror had been placed on the wall. It was a full length body mirror that made him squeal with delight. _Now I can stand here for hours looking at my sexy physique._ Randy stood in front of the mirror studying his perfect torso. _Oh God…I'm so hot I turn myself on_. And it was true. As Randy watched his perfect reflection in the mirror, he started to get a hard on.

"Oh man…I'm so hot. I'm just too sexy for anything," he grinned. Randy ran his hands all over his body. I could just make love to this mirror. I think I will. Randy pressed his body against the mirror and started sliding his perfectly oiled body up against it. "Oh mirror do you like that? Huh? How about some more of me?" Randy grinded his hips against the mirror. "Oh shit yes mirror," he moaned. "I'm so hot. _We're_ so fucking hot!"

"BACK THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" a voice boomed. Randy was suddenly lifted into the air and sent sailing across the room against the wall. He hit the wall with a loud thud before hitting the floor. When Randy finally come to, he looked around the room but didn't see anyone. _Hmm…that's strange. Oh well…_ He climbed to his feet and started back towards the mirror when all of a sudden the lights began flickering on and off.

"Okay. Funny guys," he laughed. "Stop fucking kidding around. If you had a problem with me making out with myself then too damn bad. Not my fault I was born sexy." The lights quit flickering making Randy smile. "Damn jealous wanks." Randy went back to the mirror. He placed a hand on the top and started tracing the outline of it. "Oh mirror, I'm so sorry for that interruption. I…I don't even…I wish I knew what happened but…"

"Oh stop your fucking apologizing. I threw your sexy ass across the room." Randy stared hard at the mirror. Since there was no one else in the room, the voice just HAD to be coming from it but how? Mirror can't talk…can they he wondered? Randy took a few steps back frowning.

"Can you talk Mr. Mirror?"

"Damn right I can talk." Randy's jaw just dropped. His reflection in the mirror was no longer copying his every move. Instead it was standing there with it's arms folded smirking at him.

"Uh…is this a joke? Er…a trick maybe?"

"Nope. I'm you…only not really. I'm actually one of the Wrestling Gods just in the form of your reflection. I come to tell you that you need to stop being an arrogant jerk."

"Wha…what? Are you kidding me? Is this one of Chris' jokes because if it is, you have gone way too far. I'm not going to let some hocus pocus bullshit about Gods of Wrestling kill the ego that is sexiness. I am a fucking sex God!"

"There is no sex God. There is only God and his faithful branches of Gods. That would be us Wrestling Gods. Last chance to say you'll do better."

"FU!"

"Well then. You will have to pay the piper." The reflection in the mirror began swirling around until Randy's reflection was replaced with one that made his blood run cold. "WHAT THE HELL?! WHY THE HELL IS MIKE KNOX IN THIS…? Oh God…have I been turned into the very definition of ugly?" Randy looked down at his hands and noticed that they were all white and clammy. He reached up to touch his face and could feel hairs where a beard would be. He glanced in the mirror again and just wanted to sob. "Oh my God! I've been turned into a hideous monster! Curse you Gods!" Randy quickly ran out of the locker room. He had no idea where he was going. He just ran. He kept running until he ran into Chris.

"Randy…Randy what's…"

"I've been turned into a monster!" he cried. "Look at these fat ugly hands and my pale clammy skin."

"But Randy…"

"And look at this beard. This ugly stinky beard. I'm fat and pale and…WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Randy ran down the hall sobbing uncontrollably. Shawn came up behind Chris and put his arm around him sucking his little pink lollipop.

"What's with him?" Shawn asked.

"I don't know. He was going on and on about looking like a monster."

"Looks the same to me."

"I know. Oh well. Ready to go babe?"

"Yep. Don't wanna anger the Gods," he grinned.


	3. Hair gods can lead to hair loss

Wrestling God fact # 431- **Fruity shampoo mixed with mock concern for others will lead to hair loss and possibly your soul**

**~~xx~~  
**

Adam's match was finally over and he shuddered at the anticipation of what he was about to do next. It was time to have his nightly date with the Hair Gods before going out with his beautiful wife Vikki. Nothing brightened his day more than partying and sexin' up his woman…well except for washing his hair but that was neither here nor there. On his way to the showers he couldn't help but notice a disgruntled Hunter sitting in a corner all by himself. He had his trusty sledgehammer lying out front of him and he was staring at it as if daring it to speak.

"Eh…alright Hunter?" Adam asked raising his brow. Normally he wouldn't let the trivial and perverse issues of sociopaths like Hunter get to him but the way he was looking at that hammer, you'd swear it had violated him or something.

"Nothing. Just…thinking 'bout some things."

"Oh…okay. Well…anything I can do?"

"No. Only Shawn can heal my wounds." Adam laughed so hard that he thought he was going to be sick. Hunter just glared at him. "Hey man, fuck you! Don't ask about someone's feelings and then laugh in their face!" Adam held up his hand fighting hard to contain the laughter and catch his breath.

"I'm…I'm sorry. I…you…I can't…Okay. Sorry." Adam cleared his throat. "So uh…it's really true then."

"What's true?"

"That Shawn dumped you for that stripper Chris Jericho. Man you are such a loser!" he laughed, pointing his finger. Hunter lowered his head in shame. "I mean think about it. You're like the Game…The King of Kings…The Superman of Supermans…the…You're like Mighty Mouse only mightier and Chris…well…he's a short, loud-mouthed stripper boy. You've _got_ to feel pretty damn bad about losing to him." Hunter sniffled.

"Shu…shut up man," he choked. "I…I didn't lose out to him. Shawn still loves me!"

"Yeah right," Adam laughed. "I hear he and Chris both work the clubs every now and then. Chris is a stripper and Shawn parades around in dresses waiting tables."

"WHAT?! MY SHAWNY'S ALL EXPOSED?!?" Adam shrugged.

"Yeah well, too bad for you. Vikki and I are going out tonight. Apparently they are working Club Pastel this week so we thought we'd go and check it out. You wanna come with?" Hunter glanced down at his sledgehammer and sighed.

"I don't know if I can."

"And why not?"

"I…I don't wanna be a third wheel."

"You won't be. Vikki and I don't care, plus if you bring along your sledgehammer then it will be like a double date."

"It's _Mr._ Sledgehammer Adam and you think they'd let me in with it?"

"Sure. I hear Chris owns the joint anyway. Well gotta run. The Hair Gods are calling my name."

"Hair Gods?"

"Yeah," he smirked. "Herbal Essence shampoo had to have been created by Hair Gods. Ahh the sweet smell of jasmine or peaches just fills my hair with greatness."

"Uh right. Hair Gods." _I wonder if I should tell him the bogus story that Chris told me…Naa…he'll think I'm nuts. Hell I'm probably already nuts. I've been staring at this fucking hammer for hours trying to make it speak to me but it won't do it!_

"Yep. Well I'm off. Meet me at the club in an hour."

"An hour? Why the hell does it take you so long to shower?" Adam let out a frustrated groan.

"I already told you that I have to dedicate at least thirty minutes to the Hair Gods of _Herbal Essence_." Adam quickly hurried off to the showers without a second thought. He grabbed his peach shampoo and conditioner then eagerly started the shower. When the water was just the right temperature he eased under the sprinkler letting the water drench his long blonde hair.

"Ahhh yes. This feels so good," he growled. He grabbed some shampoo and lathered his hair, his slender fingers massaging his scalp ever so gently. All the peachyness of the shampoo hit his nostrils and he groaned. "Oh fuck. You Hair Gods are soooo good. You make me feel so good and so pretty." Adam rolled his head around moaning loudly as the lather ran down the sides of his face and down his naked body.

"Alright. That's it. I've had about enough of this." The water in the shower turned instantly cold running Adam straight out of the shower and face first into the back wall.

"Ouch! That hurt. Why the hell is the water so cold?"

"It's cold because the Gods made it that way," a voice said softly. Adam looked around the room trying to pin point the voice. "I'm right here stupid." Adam looked towards the shelf where his conditioner sat. _I know the conditioner…_ "Yes you fool! I'm talking to you. I wouldn't have to talk to you if you wasn't so damn thoughtless." Adam moved closer to the bottle but he was sent sailing backwards. "Don't you run up on a God! How dare you!" Adam picked himself up off the wet tile and laughed.

"A…a God? You're supposed to be a freaking God?"

"That's right. I'm not the God in Heaven. He hasn't the time for such trivial nonsense as this but that's what we Wrestling Gods are for."

"Wrestling Gods? There's no such thing."

"You believe in Hair Gods but you can't fathom the idea of a Wrestling God? Hmpf. Funny. If it wasn't for us you'd be working in a grocery store with short black hair selling melons!"

"Uh…I beg to differ," he smirked. "I got to where I am today by sheer brilliance, good looks, talent, and Hair Gods. You – whatever the hell you are – did nothing for me."

"Is that so?" The voice laughed out loud, its shrieking voice echoing through the room. "Then how do you think you managed to woo such a fine woman like Vikki? With such a small penis I can hardly believe she'd want to marry someone like you. A big beautiful woman like her needs satisfaction and quite frankly I think Paul would…"

"ENOUGH! JUST SHUT UP! LOOK GOD LADY YOU—

"No, YOU shut up! I've had it up to here with some of you wrestlers and your bad attitudes. Ungrateful little…but that's alright. I already squashed down the so called 'Sex God' today and you will be no different. For your information Mr. Adam Copeland, there is NO SUCH THING AS HAIR GODS OR SEX GODS. THERE IS A GOD AND THERE ARE **WRESTLING** GODS!"

"Uh…whatever," he grumbled. He was already walking away when he answered. "I'm getting out of here. I have a date with Vikki and I'm not going to let some talking bottle tell me what to do."

"Alright. Fine. Leave, but I guarantee you'll be a believer when I'm done with you."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled. Adam quickly dressed and left the locker room. As he walked up the halls, people would point and laugh at him like there was a huge spot on his face or something. He was going to say something about it but he spotted his beloved wife and decided that she was worth more of his time than the mid-card losers staring after him. He ran up behind Vikki squeezing her waist. "Mmm…baby. You ready to go?" Vikki turned around and just screamed.

"Get away from me you disgusting creature! You smell awful and your hair…your nose…your…your breath!"

"Uh…honey?" Adam looked around nervously as people stared at them from a distance. It suddenly got awful quiet and Adam wasn't sure if he liked what was going on.

"Honey? I'm not your honey! Why on earth would a catch like me be caught dead with a disgusting creature such as yourself?"

"Have I done something to you Vikki? I thought we were supposed to go out tonight?"

"Noooooo, I'm going out with my husband Adam, but you…I'd _NEVER_ go out with you!" she shrieked. "Your teeth look like someone shit on them and your head looks greasy and disgusting! Ahhhh get away from me." Adam tried to approach his wife but she kept screaming and drawing so much attention that Adam didn't know what to do.

"Vi…Vikki baby listen to me—

"Didn't the lady tell you not to mess with her?" Adam's jaw just dropped. He blinked several times to make sure he wasn't crazy. He even reached out to poke the guy in front of him just to make sure it wasn't a mirage.

"This is…Something funny is going on around here," he stammered. "Just who the _hell _are you? Why the hell are you dressed like me?" he snapped. _Am I losing my fucking mind? What…just who the fuck is this? This has got to be a joke. _Adam laughed.

"What the hell are you talking about? I _am _Adam."

"No, I am dammit!" he snapped.

"Well if you're Adam then why are you bald?" Adam reached up to touch his head and he dropped to his knees. He wrapped his arms around him tightly fighting off the shudders. He was starting to sweat and he now could sense a nasty taste in his mouth. It was so nasty that he felt himself wanting to hurl.

"Oh God…Oh God what happened to my hair?"

"Uh…last time I check Snitsky, you've always had a bald head and fucked up teeth." Adam slowly got to his feet then ran wildly down the hall shoving people out of his path. _I got to know. What the fuck is up with people?_ Adam burst through the locker room door and headed straight for a mirror.

"Oh…oh God…" And he fainted. And that's where he spent the night until the janitors found him the next day…or did he?

**~xx~**

"Oh Adam! That was the best sex I ever had!" Snitsky snuggled closer to his wife…er…Adam's wife kissing the back of her neck.

"And they'll be a lot more where that came from dear." _A whole lot more…Thank you Wrestling Gods! _He closed his eyes and had the best sleep he's ever had – and with a woman no less. (He who thought he'd never get one.)


	4. Wrestling Gods grant wishes

**AN: I might be pushing that 'T' rating so the next chapter might be rated 'M'. This chapter is rated PG-13 for language...or something. **

* * *

Wrestling God Fact # 237 - **Wrestling Gods can grant wishes. Even the ones in your head.**

**~~xx~~**

_For Kuro Ookami Hatake and DX-Dynamite_

**~*~*~  
**

Chris Jericho stood in the mirror spiking his hair while his new boyfriend struggled to get in the new shirt Chris bought for him at _Hot Topic_.

"Shawn dear do you need some help?" Chris laughed as he watched the blonde struggle; his arms twisted all sorts of ways as he tried to pull the shirt down.

"Nope. I'm determined to get this damn shirt on!" With another tug, Shawn finally managed to pull the shirt down over his perfect torso. He pursed his lips as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. "Christopher, are you _sure_ this is supposed to look like this? This shirt is kind of tight and you can practically see my nipples."

"It's a fishnet top Shawn. Of course it's going to be tight. Besides, it's all the rage these days. Don't you watch anime?"

"Um…what's anime? Do you mean like Sponge Bob? I love Sponge Bob!" Chris turned to face the blonde with his hands on his hips.

"I need to get you trained. No, I mean like Japanese anime. It's animated but not like cartoons. Anyway, you look fantastic. Now I just have to put the make-up on you." Shawn's outfit consisted of a green fishnet top and some tight black jeans. He wore a studded belt around his waist and had on matching black boots. His hair was still in two piggy tails but instead of pink ribbons, he wore green and black ones. Chris was sporting the same look only his shirt was red instead of black. They were twins…sort of. Chris made Shawn sit on the bed while he applied the proper make up. Shawn ran his hands across Chris's top playfully earning a giggle.

"Stop that or you'll piss of the Gods and get eyeliner all over your face."

"Oh right. Sorry. Don't wanna piss them off," he grinned.

"So who all did you invite to join us this evening?"

"Um…I called Randy but he's still screaming about how he looks like Mike Knox and that he lost his sexy. He can't even bring himself to look in a mirror, or so he says."

"Wow. Poor kid. The Gods must have got to him."

"Yeah. Probably but I swear he looks the same. Maybe he's having like an identity crisis."

"Like your cookies?"

"Hey! Hunter likes them," he grumbled.

"Alright. So who else did you call?"

"Dave is coming with us. He's supposed to be bringing Cena along."

"Oh joy. Now I gotta spend all the night watching _him_ instead of you."

"Aww be nice Chris. Cena's not that bad."

"He's not that bad to you because he wants to do you."

"That's like half the roster so I'm used to it. But don't worry about him. I only have eyes for you…well, most of the time."

"I know. That's why I need to watch him."

"Guh…Cena's not gay Chris. He's just…sensitive," he giggled.

"Alright. Fine. So who else?"

"Hmm…well I called up Adam but – and you're going to think I'm crazy but I swear I'm not lying – Snitsky answered his cell and went to raving about how he's really Adam."

"Wow. Looks like everybody's losing their minds except us. Alright. All done." Chris stepped aside so Shawn could see himself in the mirror.

"Chris I look…why the green eyeliner? Even though it _DOES_ bring out my blue eyes," he giggled. Chris smacked his butt which resulted in Shawn retaliating by shoving Chris on the bed. Shawn crawled a top him straddling his lap.

"Shawn, bad idea," Chris warned. "You start teasing and I swear we won't go anywhere tonight." Shawn poked out his lips in a pout.

"But Chris, you look so pwetty with your red eyeliner and pink lips."

"And you look so pwetty with your piggy tails but if you get me started we're never going to leave this room." There was a knock on the door bringing Chris relief. "Perfect timing whoever this is." Shawn gave Chris a quick kiss before running to the door.

"Dave! Cena! Aww…you guys decided to come." For a minute neither Dave nor Cena could form any words. Shawn reached out and poked Cena in the chest.

"Oh…sorry. I just…wasn't expecting to see you look so…"

"Gay?" Chris finished. He was standing behind Shawn holding his waist. He peered around Shawn laughing at the disgusted look on Cena's face.

"I am not gay!" he huffed.

"Yeah. Dude keep telling yourself that. So Dave, how's it going? Are we all ready to leave?"

"Yeah let's get out of here. I can't believe I agreed to go anywhere with you two. I like ya'll but I know that both of you got a habit of getting in trouble."

"Oh Dave," Shawn giggled. "That's all in the past. Chris and I _never_ get in trouble anymore…well, except for last night and I swear that guy had it coming. The nerve of him to think I was gay!"

"But…you _ARE_ gay," Cena replied, rolling his eyes. Shawn grabbed Cena's shoulders pushing him against the wall. He got right in his face making sure to leave only an inch of space between them.

"Actually Cena, I'm not _entirely_ gay. I like women too and would probably be with one right now if men didn't find me so irresistible…like you probably will someday," he grinned.

"Ye…yeah right," he breathed. "I…I'm not into men!"

"Suuuuuuuuure you aren't. Don't let the wrestling Gods here you say that. They have a knack for proving people wrong."

"I…There's no wrestling Gods," he managed.

Cena's face was turning all shades of red and pink because as much as he wanted to ignore him, it was hard to ignore the pretty pig tails and eyeliner and blues eyes and smooth lips and that tight shirt… Shawn curved his lips into a smile when he realized Cena was noticing him. Before he could even think to start testing the waters Shawn was picked up and placed on the ground in front of Chris by Dave.

"Thanks Dave. I'm going to have to get a leash for him."

"Don't mention it," Dave smirked.

"Oh you guys. I was only playing," Shawn whined. "Plus we just established Cena's straightness so it's not like my teasing would have any effect on him anyway."

"You don't know your own sexiness," Chris scolded. "Now come on let's go before the mall closes! I wanna look for new heels."

"Oooh Chris, can I go to the candy shop?" Shawn asked. Cena just shook his head at the two blondes as they chattered about candy and clothes. He couldn't understand how two guys could be so comfortable being openly gay. Chris was free to parade around in heels without anyone saying a thing to him while Shawn was the same. He could wear a dress and the ladies would be all over him even more. Cena let out a sigh. _I'm not gay but sometimes I wish I was. Maybe people would like me more not to mention I haven't gotten laid in months. _Cena hurried to catch up to the two chattering blondes. Unbeknownst to him, he was being watched.

**~*~*~**

When they finally got to the mall, Cena was relieved to have something to keep his mind off of his sex life…or lack there of. Chris ran off towards a shoe store in search of heels while Dave took off to chase some beautiful young ladies staring at lingerie in the _Victoria's Secret_ window. That just left him and Shawn though Shawn was in his own little world. As soon as they found a candy store Shawn was all over it.

"Cena we have to go in here!" he exclaimed. "Oh, so many lollipops!" Cena rolled his eyes.

"Like you need anything sweet. You're bouncing off the walls without it." Shawn poked out his lips in a pout.

"So. I still want candy."

"Well go and get it. I'll wait out here." Shawn grinned his mischievous grin.

"Are you afraid of being seen with me?" he asked.

"What? No!"

"Oh really?" he teased. "Well come on inside. I'll buy you a sucker."

"I…I don't want a sucker," he stammered. _Damn I'm horny as hell and with all his talk of suckers…_ Shawn slowly approached John, forcing him back against the store window. He licked his lips before cutting his eyes down at Cena's crotch.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah…I'm cool." Shawn pursed his lips then grinned.

"Alright. Well come on. Let's go inside. Maybe you can help me find a cool new flavor to sample." Shawn didn't give Cena time to protest. He grabbed his hand pulling him inside the candy store.

"Ooooo those look so cool!" Shawn squealed. He left Cena's side to go down one of the sucker isles while Cena followed at a slow pace behind him. He had to admit that the store was kind of cool. So many different suckers, all colors, shapes and sizes towering over him. _Even if I was a huge fan of suckers I wouldn't know where to start in here._

"Psst. Hey Cena." Cena stopped in the middle of the isle looking around. He could have sworn someone whispered his name but there was no one else in the store except him and Shawn. _Hmm…that's…strange. _Cena shrugged it off and kept after Shawn who was now holding several huge lollipops in his hands. He walked a little ways again when he heard it again.

"Hey Cena. Come on man turn around." Cena quickly turned around but again, he saw nothing. _Man what the hell is going on around here?_ "Cena. Look at the suckers behind you." Cena turned around staring at the lines of purple blow pops. All of a sudden one of them moved. "Cena! God you are so cute!" it giggled. Cena looked around to make sure no one was looking then he frowned.

"Uh…am I going crazy?" he asked, more to himself than the sucker but the blow pop giggled again.

"Nope. I'm really talking to you Cena."

"Yeah…Uh…" _Maybe I need to lay off the steak dinners…_

"Ahh well I know you think you're losing it and that's okay. I tend to have that effect on people. Anyway, I'm here to grant your wish."

"Uh…what wish?"

"The one about being gay."

"Dude, I never wished to be gay," he laughed.

"Um…right. So you wanna be a top or a bottom?" the blow pop asked. Cena took off his cap, running a hand through his hair.

"This is…this is crazy. I'm nuts. I must be going nuts."

"Definitely a top for now."

"I…I gotta get out of here. Bie Mr. Blow Pop…whatever you're supposed to be."

"I'm a Wrestling God," it giggled.

"Right. God. Well," Cena bowed to the pop. "Gotta go. SHAWN! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" Cena ran off after Shawn, the blow pop giggling hysterically behind him.

"When will they ever learn. Oh well…," the sucker said happily. "He won't be able to resist the very definition of sexy…and lollipops either."

**~*~*~**

Cena ran up and down the next few isles looking for Shawn and when he finally found him, he stopped dead in his tracks. _Oh my God…_ Shawn leaning back against the counter sucking on the most delicious looking pink blow pop he'd ever seen. Cena's jaw just dropped as he watched Shawn's tongue dart out of his mouth to tease the head of the sucker. His tongue made circles over the top making Cena drool with want. _I…I want some of his sucker… I wanna lick it too! _John suddenly had an image of himself sharing that sucker with Shawn while his hands roamed areas of the man's body. _Get a grip Cena! Get a…_ Shawn pulled the sucker out of his mouth with a loud _pop_ and John just couldn't take it anymore. John marched up to Shawn stopping inches in front of him. The blond was a little taken back but then he grinned his sexy grin.

"Can I help you with something?" he asked. Cena tried. He tried so hard to find a logical reason why he was suddenly turned on but nothing could explain it. Shawn brought the sucker back to his lips licking the side of it slowly. Like a magnet, Cena closed in on Shawn until their bodies were pressed to each other's. Shawn licked the sucker again and Cena did the same, licking the other side of it. This went on for several seconds until Cena's tongue accidentally made contact with Shawn's. Both their tongues went to lick the top of the blow pop and their tongues connected. Before Shawn knew it Cena was shoving his tongue in his mouth tasting him.

"Oh God…Shawn," he murmured. "You taste so…fucking good." Cena eagerly shoved Shawn back against the counter rubbing his body against him. He wasn't sure what was going on with him but couldn't stop himself. It was like he had lost control of his body and mind. Cena pulled away when he ran out of breath and just stared at Shawn. Shawn looked slightly confused and half wondered if this was a joke. He quirked his brow.

"John, are you alright?" Cena's eyes wondered over Shawn's body completely ignoring the question. He licked his lips at the thought of sucking Shawn's little suckers that were showing through the tight shirt. His eyes traveled lower and lower stopping at the place between his legs. Shawn suddenly got the feeling that he was in trouble so he looked around to see if he could spot Chris. Chris was no where in sight which meant he was on his own to fend off Cena, even though he wanted to play with him a bit. "Um…John? Sweetie I thought you said you weren't gay."

"Huh? Uh…gay? I'm not gay…am I?" Cena thought about this for a second but then realized he didn't care. He wanted Shawn and even more, he wanted to suck on Shawn's sucker.

"No, you're not. You told me earlier that you were straight."

"Oh yeah. Well…I never thought you'd taste so good. So tell me Shawn, can I suck your sucker?" Shawn stared at the pink blow pop he was holding in his hand then smiled.

"Sure!" He held up the blow pop for Cena waiting for him to lick it. Instead, Cena put his whole mouth over the giant pop staring at Shawn the entire time. "J…John?" he squeaked. Shawn suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable in his pants. He tried to take his eyes off of Cena's but his gaze was so intense that Shawn felt helpless. He quickly closed his eyes imagining that he was that sucker. _Mmm man I bet that sucker's in heaven… _When he opened them again, it was to find Cena on his knees tugging at his pants.

"I'm going to have your sucker if it's the last thing I do," he panted. Cena quickly tugged Shawn's britches down thinking only of its delicious taste. _Sucker…sucker!_ _Mmm…God Shawn…I can't wait… _The blonde closed his eyes waiting to be engulfed in warmth when suddenly…

"OH HELL NO!" Chris stormed over to Cena smacking him in the face. "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!" Shawn quickly pulled up his pants staring at Chris innocently.

"Now baby calm down. He…he didn't mean anything by it."

"Easy for you to say," Chris snapped. "He was trying to get a taste of your goods and you were letting him."

"I was…I couldn't help it!" he stammered. "I…there was something about his gaze…but I think its the Wrestling Gods fault that he's like this."

"Huh? How you figure?"

"Well…He..." Shawn lowered his voice. "He seems _obsessed_ with me and my suckers all of a sudden. It's weird," Shawn said thoughtfully. "I mean, I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later but I never thought it would happen _this_ soon." Both men glanced back over at Cena who was still staring at Shawn like a piece of food. He looked like he was in his own little world. Shawn shuddered under his gaze and half wondered whether or not the kid would be okay. "Say…say Chris, maybe we should take him in and help him figure out his new sexuality."

"Oh hell no! He better find out on his own. Damn it all. Why can't people just listen to the Wrestling Gods for once? Now I gotta spend all my time protecting what's mine. I should have known the Gods wouldn't let me have you so easily." He grabbed Shawn's hand. "Come on sexy. We need to get going before you get entranced again by Cena's vampiric gaze." Chris shuffled Shawn out of the candy store all the while glaring daggers at Cena.

"What the hell you looking at me like that for?" Cena grumbled.

"Nothing. Just keep away from my man or else I'll ask the Wrestling Gods to make you straight again. What did you do? Wish you were gay?"

"What's it to you assclown?" _Actually I have no idea how it happened. I talked to a sucker and now I'm having homosexual tendencies…well, only towards Shawn though I can't help but notice how nice Chris look in his pants._

"Well you were looking at Shawn like you wanted to eat him for dinner whereas before, you were scared to even be around him. Now you wanna suck on his sucker? I don't get it."

"I don't know Chris. I…I can't explain it. One minute I was staring at a talking blow pop and the next Shawn was licking that pretty pink blow pop, turning me on. The way his tongue slid across the head…"

"Alright! Enough! I get it. You're gay all of a sudden. Damn. The Wrestling Gods have struck again." _Damn. Shawn was right._ Chris sighed. "Well…I guess I better show you the ropes."

"Can I have Shawn?"

"No! Now let's get going. I'll take you back to our room until morning. Maybe by then you'll have a better grip on your new feelings." _Damn you Wrestling Gods. Of all the people to make gay you had to pick Cena._

"Can I sit next to Shawn?"

"NO!" Chris took Cena's hand leading him out of the store angrily. It was going to be a long night and it had only just begun.

* * *

AN: Review if you want. Who do YOU think the Gods should punish next? Or if not punish, grant a wish? Guys or girls. It doesn't matter long as it does not require me to write detailed femslash scenes. I won't be doing that. So leave a review and a request. I'll do requests between the ones I've already planned out. And I'll only do so many because I don't want to make this rediculous fic too long. So....I'll pick the ones I like and go from there. That is all. Now go review and request.


	5. Mindless hypocrites will be called out

**AN: Yep. Pretty sure this chapter is PG-17 for language and some sexual situations. I don't know if it's quite 'M' but hey, I did warn you so...**

* * *

Wrestling God Fact # 727 – **Wrestling Gods do not like hypocrites. They tend to punish them in department stores.  
**

**~~xx~~**

_For Animal Luvr 4 Life and Esha Napoleon_

**~*~*~**

"So what you're telling me is that you're gay now?" They hiked a little ways more then made a right turn on the nature trail. Since it was still a couple of days before the next taping of Raw, they decided to take a little walk in order to clear their heads. Well…it was more Cena's suggestion than anything because Dave had no problems in life right now not to mention he hated nature trails. Cena let out an exasperated sigh.

"No, Dave. I mean…I don't really know what I mean. I find myself lusting after guys but mostly Shawn or Chris."

"Which makes you gay."

"No…how does that make me gay Dave? And who turns gay over night?" Dave let out a chuckle. They turned a corner on the path which let to park area. There were all kinds of children out playing with their pets which made Dave frown. "Hello? Dave? Are you listening to me? I'm having a fucking crisis for Christ's sake!"

"Oh…sorry man," he winced. "I was…kind of zoned out. So anyway. Continue."

"Maybe I should have invited Adam instead." Dave shook his head.

"Naa…don't think you would have been able to get him to come ace. He's having some sort of identity crisis."

"What the hell's up with him?"

"Something about…well, it's odd. Snitsky thinks he's really Adam." Cena shook his head.

"Whoa. Dude that's…wow."

"Yeah and now you're on some kick about being gay but not really."

"Dammit Dave! I already told ya that I'm not gay! I just…fantasize about licking Shawn's—

"Whoa. Dude. That's _way_ too much info." Dave felt something rubbing against the bottom of his jeans. He quickly looked down to see a squirrel sitting beside him. Dave grinned maniacally as he drew back and kicked the squirrel up the path.

"Dave…dude, that was harsh."

"So what? I hate animals."

"Excuse me?" Cena asked.

"Uh…I hate animals. Now let's get going before some other creature decides to attack me." They walked off the trail and started back to what Dave called 'real civilization'. Meanwhile, Cena was having a hard time grasping Dave's last statement.

"Dude. You…you call yourself 'The Animal Batista'. Isn't that a little hypocritical?"

"And you're John 'Wonder Boy' Cena who never loses, never does anything wrong, and could never in a million years be gay….but you are."

"Dave that's different. It's not like I've always—

"So you mean to say you've always been gay?"

"No, I just…forget it. You'd never understand and would think I'm crazy if I told you what Chris told me." They kept walking down the sidewalk until they reached Wal-Mart. It was a pretty random location for a supercenter considering it was only a few feet from a nature trail but whatever. "Hey Dave. Can we go in here for a sec?"

"Uh…why?"

"Because I wanna get Shawn some candy. He loves candy."

"As if he needs anymore. Alright. Fine but what is Chris going to say about you buying his lover gifts?"

"I'll get him some mascara to shut him up now let's go." With a reluctant sigh, Dave followed Cena into the department store. For a pretty random Wal-Mart, it was still full of annoying people. Most of them were tourists having never been to Tennessee but all the same it was your typical crowed supercenter. Despite the crowd, Cena and Dave were able to maneuver around pretty well. It would seem that big burly wrestlers were uncommon in the area so they quickly moved out of their way whenever they got near. After a few minutes of walking, they came across the tool area.

"Oh Cena. Let's go down here. I just remembered that I need to get a new wrench."

"Alright." They proceeded down the tool isle in search of a wrench. While Dave mumbled to himself about finding the perfect wrench, Cena wondered off to another isle. When he turned the corner, he stopped dead in his tracks. "Hunter?" Hunter must not have heard him because he was still standing rooted in one spot glaring angrily at the sledgehammers hanging on the racks. Cena cleared his throat. This time Hunter jumped and looked his way. With a sigh of relief he managed a smile.

"Oh hey Cena. What are you doing here?"

"I'm…here to get mascara and candy. What are you doing here?" Hunter raised an eyebrow at Cena.

"_Mascara?"_

"Oh it's not for me," he said quickly. "It's…never mind who it's for and anyway, why are you standing here glaring at these hammers? What did they ever do to you?" Hunter frowned.

"None of your damn business," he snapped. Cena stared at him for a moment and then his eyes finally landed on the item in his hand.

"You're carrying a dangerous weapon around Wal-Mart. Is there something you need to tell me?"

"Didn't I say mind your business?" he choked. Cena quirked his brow. _Did his voice just crack? Is he…is he crying?_

"Yeah but…you have any idea how this looks?" Cena asked. He slowly approached Hunter who was now shaking furiously from his anger. Cena somehow managed to get close to him and Hunter dropped his hammer and folded himself into Cena's arms. "There there Hunter. It's going to be alright." Hunter sobbed into his chest unable to hold it in anymore.

"He…it…it tortures me at night Cena," he cried. "The…the hammers. They're jealous of the love I have for Shawn. They won't…they keep me up at night threatening me to worship them but I won't. I refuse to do it Cena because there just can't be such things as Wrestling Gods."

"Wrestling Gods?" Hunter nodded. "Oh I see. They got you too huh?" Hunter pulled away frowning.

"What do you mean Cena? There aren't—

"I'm gay," he mumbled.

"Excuse me? I didn't quite catch that."

"I said I'm gay."

"Huh? You got to speak—

"FINE! I'M GAY! I'M FUCKING GAY! IS EVERYBODY HAPPY NOW?!" Hunter blinked several times before he doubled over with laughter.

"Oh…oh my God…I…I knew it," he breathed. "I always knew you were gay!"

"I WAS NOT GAY! THE WRESTLING GODS MADE ME GAY!" Cena didn't realize he had been shouting until he noticed people scrambling to get away from them in hushed whispers. Cena let out a loud groan. "I hate my life. I really hate my life right now." He looked over at Hunter who was now standing there with a highly amused look on his face. "Fuck you Hunter. I'm leaving."

"Would you really?" he teased.

"Alright. That's it!" Cena stormed up to Hunter. Grabbing his shirt he pulled him closer. "Take that back! Take that BACK!"

"Alright alright. Sorry," he chuckled. Cena let go of him and started backing away. "Uh…wait a second Cena. I have a question for you."

"What now?"

"Since you won't fuck me, can I fuck you?"

"WHAT?!"

"No, no, no…don't…don't take it personally Cena. I just…well to be perfectly honest, I haven't gotten any since Shawn left me for Chris. Then again, it was a fight to get Shawn to be still long enough to get inside him so I don't know if I'd count the few times I was able to pin him to the bed."

"You could have kept that to yourself."

"Well hell, I just thought you'd like to know, especially since you've always had a thing for him."

"I do NOT—

"Yeah yeah so can I do you?"

"What? No!"

"Oh come on Cena. It won't hurt…much." Hunter slowly approached Cena licking his lips. He hadn't gotten any in weeks because of the Wrestling Gods and by God he was going to get some from Cena. Besides, he couldn't deny Cena was a hot piece of man. With his cute little butt like Shawn's he could very well be tight - if not tighter than Shawn. Just thinking about it was making him hurt.

"Hunter…why are you looking at me like that?" Hunter was no longer paying attention. He was too busy picturing Cena naked on his bed. Cena saw the lust in his eyes and it scared him to death. _My first time will definitely not be with this lunatic!_

**~*~*~**

Meanwhile, on the other isle, Dave was having no such luck finding the perfect sized wrench. _Dammit! You call this a supercenter? What kid of supercenter has every size wrench except the right one? _Dave shook his head as he gave up the hunt for a wrench. He walked to the end of the isle then made a right. On this isle, there was a bunch of air fresheners that could be used to hang in the car and all of them were in the shape of animals. Dave frowned. _Why must they make air fresheners shaped like stupid animals?_ _I fucking hate animals!_ Dave looked around to make sure no one was watching before tearing down all the air fresheners. He began ripping them apart one by one until the isle was littered with pieces of rabbit, bears, and kitten fresheners. Dave laughed maniacally at his doings then proceeded down the isle. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw some kid standing at the other end. He was blonde and looked about five years old. His face was twisted in a scowl that Dave found quite amusing.

"Uh…you lost your parents kid?"

"No. I don't have any parents you asshole."

"Excuse me? Did you just call me an asshole?"

"Yes I did you asshole. You're also a fucktard for ripping up all those air fresheners. I saw you."

"Whatever kid. I'm an adult. I can do what I want."

"Just like you kicked that squirrel this morning right?"

"So what?" Dave scoffed. "It touched me and no one touches the animal and gets away with it."

"The Animal huh? What kind of person calls himself 'The Animal' Batista but doesn't like animals?"

"Uh…Oh I get it," Dave laughed. "You're one of those wrestling fans who believe everything they see on TV. Look kid, that's just my TV persona. I call myself _The Animal _because I'm huge. It gets the ladies in a frenzy and so I'm cool with that. But I don't have to like animals just because my stage names says otherwise so get over it kid."

"Yeah well I think you're being a hypocrite."

"Hey kid. You remember The Rock?"

"Yeah."

"Well then…IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" he yelled. Dave flexed his muscles then angrily pushed his way past the kid.

"You will pay Dave. The Wrestling Gods will teach you a lesson about being a hypocrite. And since you kicked that poor defenseless squirrel, you're going to pay twice as much."

"Whatever kid," he laughed before starting down the next isle. He ended up stopping half wondering whether or not what he was seeing was real. It was Cena lying on his stomach in the middle of the isle, with Hunter on top of him. Cena arms were flailing everywhere and he was creaming at the top of his lungs for Hunter to get off of him. Hunter of course, was paying him no mind as he held his head down with one hand and moved his hips against the back of him.

"Oh yeah Cena," he growled. "If you'd just be still…God I can tell your ass is tight!"

"GET OFF OF ME! I WON'T LOSE TO YOU! I'M GOING TO STAY A VIRGIN FOR LIFE!"

"Yeah well I'm tired of being topped. I'm going to top you if it's the last…HEY WHAT GIVES!" Dave pulled Hunter off of Cena then helped the nervous younger man to his feet. He fixed his clothes then cut Hunter a dirty look.

"You creep. You tried to rape me!" Hunter just shrugged.

"Well…you did say you were gay. And it's not rape if you consent to it."

"I…I didn't consent." _I have wondered what it would be like since Shawn seems to enjoy it so much but…I never said it outloud!_

"Sure you did. My sledgehammer told me you were curious."

"Wha…what?" _He can't be serious?!_

"Uh…right. You two are freaking me out. Cena, let's go get your damn candy and mascara so we can get the hell up out of here. There's too much weirdness going on in here." Dave grabbed Cena's hand and started leading him towards the candy area. Before they got to the candy isle, Dave made them stop to look at stuffed animals. They were all so pretty. All the different pastel colors made Dave feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"Uh…Dave? Why are we looking at stuffed animals?" Dave looked over at Cena with a puzzled look on his face.

"I uh…need to get my girl a gift."

"Oh okay. Well while we're over here maybe I'll get Shawn a gift as well."

"But he's not your boyfriend!" Dave snapped.

"What's it to you Dave?" Cena snapped back. Having realized that they were still holding hands, Dave jerked Cena towards him until they were practically touching noses. Cena's face turned a light shade of pink for he still wasn't used to being so close to men outside the ring. Plus, he hated to admit it but Dave was sexy as hell. A little big for his taste – that is if he even had a taste in men yet, but all the same he could feel his face flushing. Dave watched Cena's face turn pink and for some reason it found it to be…cute. He pressed his face closer to Cena's until their noses touched. Cena instinctively closed his eyes as Dave pressed their lips together. The kiss was short lived when Cena suddenly shoved Dave away.

"Dude. What…what gives man? I thought you were straight?!" he stammered. Dave blinked a couple times before a wide grin formed across his face.

"Maybe it's just _you_ that I want Cena." Cena frowned then picked up a stuffed bear throwing it at Dave.

"Stop playing man. Seriously. Now get your fucking gift for your girl and let's get going. Never mind. I tell you what. You stay here and I'll go on and get the mascara and candy." Cena stormed off muttering to himself about Wal-Mart making people crazy leaving Dave alone with the stuffed animals. When Cena was finally out of hindsight, Dave let out a sigh. _What the fuck is up with me? Why the hell did I just kiss Cena? Nothing. It was nothing. _Dave smiled to himself as he stared at the huge bears lining the shelf forgetting all about his last thoughts. _Hmm…maybe Cena will like this one. Oooo and I have got to get those for myself! I just love teddy bears! Just wait til Cena comes back! He's going to love me for sure!_

**~*~*~**

"Shawn! Chris! Open up the door and hurry!" Cena banged on the door for another ten seconds or so before the door swung open.

"What!?" Chris snapped. He was wearing a black skirt and some black heels to match it. His shirt was a red and black tank that went beautifully with the red sequined belt around his waist. Cena had to make himself stop drooling as he pushed himself inside the room slamming the door. He locked all the locks then leaned back against the door breathing heavily.

"Oooo is that candy I see?!" Shawn was only half dressed wearing only a little red mini skirt. He ran over to Cena grabbing all the candy out of his hand. Meanwhile Chris just stood there with his arms folded looking very annoyed.

"Cena, what the hell man? What's with all this banging and screaming?" Cena shoved the mascara in Chris' hand making Chris squeal in delight!

"OMG! I have new mascara! I have got to test it out!" Chris forgot all about scolding Cena and quickly ran into the restroom shutting the door behind him. Cena plopped down on the bed next to Shawn who was happily sucking on his favorite pink lollipop. He laid back against the covers staring at the ceiling. Although Shawn was happy to have lollipops, he couldn't help but notice how frightened Cena looked. His face was pale and he was breathing heavily. _I wonder what happened to him…_ Shawn pup his sucker away then rolled over on the bed. He crawled on top of Cena straddling his waist. The younger man's eyes grew wide with shock causing Shawn to giggle.

"What's the matter Cena?" he teased. "Are you afraid?"

"I…I…" Shawn leaned forward and licked his lips.

"Calm down. I'm only teasing. Besides, you look ill. I wanna know what happened to you."

"I…I was almost raped _twice _today," he shuddered.

"By girls?"

"No. By…by two guys." Shawn giggled.

"Aww you poor thing. You'll get used to it. People try to rape me all the time," he said thoughtfully. "But you...I would think the Gods wanted you to be a top but...maybe you really are a bottom!" Shawn's eyes flashed playfully making Cena feel nervous.

"Shawn? Shawn why are you…you looking at me like that?"

"It sounds like the Gods lied to you." Shawn slid his hands up Cena's chest making the poor guy even more nervous. "They tend to do that when they're in need of amusement. But we can't know for sure unless we test my theory."

"Theory? Test?" he squeaked. "How…are you planning to test this theory?" Cena tried to sit up on the bed but Shawn forced him back down.

"Shawn…Shawn please man…what gives? First Hunter then Dave…"

"Dave tried to rape you?" he asked with mock concern.

"Yeah though I can't help but think you're just a little too amused by it." John sat up again only to have Shawn shove him back down.

"I'm not amused Cena," he grinned. "Just slightly happy that they didn't get to you first." Shawn licked the side of Cena's neck then giggled when Cena shoved him away.

"Shawn don't do this," he pleaded but Shawn shoved him back down on the bed.

"Just yesterday you wanted to suck on my sucker. How about I show you what it feels like before I pop…your…cherry?" he giggled. Shawn grinded on Cena letting him know how turned on he was until a loud voice stopped him.

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL! CENA! CENA BABY I LOVE YOU! LET ME POP YOUR CHERRY BABY!"

"Is that…_Dave?_" Shawn asked. Cena nodded fearfully. Shawn rolled his eyes and went back to his assault on Cena. "Well, forget him. I'm too turned on to stop now anyway!" Shawn kissed his way down Cena's chest stopping to flick his tongue over one of his nipples. Cena moaned in response making Dave even angrier.

"CENA! WHAT'S HE DOING TO YOU IN THERE? SHAWN! SHAWN STOP! YOU HAVE CHRIS! LET ME HAVE CENA!"

"I CAN HAVE WHOEVER I WANT! NOT MY FAULT YOU REALIZED A DAY LATE THAT YOU'RE GAY!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS…?" Chris came out of the restroom and just stared at the sight before him. Cena was half sitting up on the bed, his face drained of all color while Shawn was straddled across his waist angrily. Someone was banging loudly on the door making the situation that much worse. Chris pursed his lips.

"I would ask, but I get the feeling I already know. Dave, for the love of God, stop being a whiny pussy! Shawn's NOT going to be popping anybody's cherry tonight except mine."

"But Chris—

"Shut it Shawn! As for Cena, trust me. Your beloved is in great hands now go calm yourself down. He's never going to come out if you keep stalking him like this!"

"But Chris," Dave whined. "I got several teddy bears for him and me to make love on and…"

"That's too much info big guy." Chris sighed. _Why must people continuously piss off the Wrestling Gods and why must I solve everyone's problems? _"Dave look. Come back tomorrow after you've calmed down a bit and I promise you Cena will go out with you."

"Wha…," Cena started but Shawn cut him off.

"Shut it," Shawn hissed. "He's just telling him that now play along."

"Oh okay. Uh…yeah Dave. Tomorrow…a date." Dave squealed on the other side of the door.

"Really?!? Alright! Well I gotta get going now. I'm going to spend the whole day getting ready for our date. Thanks Chris!" he hollered through the door before hurrying off. When Cena was sure he was gone, he let out a huge breath.

"Thank God."

"No. Don't you be thanking God because if it wasn't for your stupidity, you wouldn't be in this situation!" Chris snapped. "And get away from my man!"

"But I…"

"No excuses!" Chris climbed on the bed and squeezed himself between Shawn and Cena. "Now I'll stay here for the rest of the day if I have to but you two are not going to make a habit out of making out!"

"But Chris I was only testing my theory," Shawn whined.

"What theory?"

"That Cena's a bottom."

"You get to top me 90% of the time Shawn. You're so greedy!"

"Well…I've never popped a cherry before!" he pouted.

"Oh for the…shut it Shawn. You're not getting your hands on Cena and if you keep this up, you'll never top again."

"Like you can stop me," he grumbled. Shawn finally rolled over and went back to sucking his lollipops. Chris shook his head letting out a defeated sigh. _I wonder who they'll get next…_

_

* * *

_**AN: Up next, some Diva action for my dear friend Adnacia because let's face it, they need a good kick in the rear every now and then. **_  
_


	6. Blondes don't always do it better

**AN: And I'm back with another chapter of silliness. It's not supposed to make sense so keep that in mind as you read this craziness. Sorry about the long hiatus but this is one I only update when I have absolutely nothing better to do, or when I need a break from all the other serious fanfics/novels that I'm writing. So have a laugh...or two or three. This is rated 'M' for a reason.**

**(-) Denotes mind link. In other words, it's the God's voice speaking to them inside their heads.**

* * *

Wrestling God Fact #218 - **Wrestling Gods do not think blondes do it better. They are impartial to the worldly hair color myths about people and tend to get really angry when introduced to such nonsense.**

**~~**~~**

_For my best friend and fanfiction writer extraordinaire, Adnacia, who also happens to be a blonde :P_

**~*~*~**

Hunter entered the doors of his new Smackdown locker room and took a seat on the floor. He laid his sledgehammer beside him and sighed. _Why? What did I do that was so wrong? I should be on Raw with my Shawn._

"That's why you're here Hunter." Hunter looked over at his _ex_ favorite weapon and frowned.

"But I haven't done anything!" he snapped hotly. "I get it. I get that there are wrestling Gods so why the hell am I still being punished?"

"Oh Hunty. You're not being punished. In fact…well…*giggle* You'll see soon enough. The Gods are working their magic and soon you'll forget all about that pretty little blonde."

"I could never forget Shawn!" he sniffled. Hunter waited for the evil sledgehammer to respond but instead it remained quiet. Hunter sighed. Thanks to his partner over there he was going without sex. In fact, he hadn't had sex since the night he was raped by Mr. Sledgehammer. He almost had Cena's tight little ass but Big Bad Dave – who's no where near gay – just had to interfere. Hunter groaned. _I need sex. I need to fuck the hell out of somebody or I'm going to go fucking insane! _He could hear the sledgehammer laughing loudly in his head, teasing him into madness but there was nothing he could. With a frustrated sigh he stood to his feet and started changing into his gear. Suddenly his door burst wide open scaring him half to death. _What the…?_ Jeff Hardy was in the arms of his brother and they were making out like mad.

For a minute Hunter thought he was seeing things until he heard Matt moan into Jeff's mouth. They didn't even notice Hunter in the room and proceeded to strip right in front of him. In a matter of seconds Matt was being shoved against the wall while Jeff gripped his hips easing into him slowly. The sight of it brought Hunter straight to arousal. Brothers. They were fucking brothers but one was fucking the other. It should have freaked him out but then nothing beats a talking sledgehammer so he decided to go with it. Hunter leaned back against the other wall watching with mouth hanging open as Jeff fucked his brother good. _I wonder what the wrestling Gods think of this…_

_-The Gods did this to them. Got tired of them fighting all the time so what better way to solve the problem than to make them love each other? Of course it wasn't hard considering they had dirty thoughts of one another ever since they were teens but whatever.-_

"Wow," he breathed. At that moment Jeff reached his climax and Hunter watched as Jeff filled Matt's ass with his seed. Jeff wrapped his arms around his brother.

"Mattie you're so good. I can't get enough of you."

"Jeff when do I get to top you?" Matt asked. Jeff spun him around pulling him into a kiss.

"When you can beat me in a wrestling match," he grinned.

"*gasp* Jeff…we…we have company." Jeff released his brother and turned to see Hunter watching them curiously.

"Uh…hi guys." Jeff frowned.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" Jeff asked.

"Whoa! Easy tiger," Hunter laughed. "I got drafted to SD last week remember? This is my new locker room though you two are welcome to use it anytime ya like. I mean," he grinned, "must be kind of hard to get a quickie around the others. They'd probably think you guys were weird or something."

"So…wait. You don't…you don't find this…_odd_?" Matt asked. Hunter only shrugged.

"I've seen stranger things. Besides uh…I'd probably do either one of you if I was in your shoes." _I mean really. You two are hot! _Both Matt and Jeff looked at one another before mischievous grins formed across their faces.

"_Now you've done it Hunter."_

"Done what?" he asked out loud. The brothers' grins grew wider with every step they took towards him. _Should I stay or run? Answer me you bloody hammer!_

_-It's still __**MR.**__ Sledgehammer to you and it depends on what you want. Sex or the blonde? Mind you I think he's taken a liking to Chris and I hear he's been teasing Cena. You __**know**__ what Shawn's teasing can do right?-_ The God laughed in his head and Hunter suddenly felt saddened.

_He's going to forget me too…_

"Mn…Hunter. Can I take care of that for you?" Hunter looked down to see Jeff kneeling before him with a playful look in his eye. Matt was now at his side running his hands along his torso. Hunter closed his eyes and prayed silently._ Gods help me! Tell me what to do! _Matt's fingers teased Hunter's nipples and he about lost it. _To hell with it!_

"Touch me," he breathed. Not needing to be told twice the boys went to work on making Hunter their new pet.

**~xx~**

Maryse stood in front of a store window combing through her perfect hair. _Damn, je suis si chaud (I look so hot). Just look at my perfect blonde hair. _Some American women were walking by their eyes stopping to admire her perfection. _Souhaite que les femmes americaines ont cherche ce bien (American women only wished they looked this good)._ Maryse flicked her hair and walked by the women, twisting her face in a frown at the various hair colors that were NOT blonde. _Red means you're a slut…_ She laughed out loud and continued to twist through the mall. She stopped in front of the Victoria's Secret store smiling at the skinny blonde manikins modeling lingerie. _I look better than those manikins but alas, I cannot pretend to be a doll…even though I am one._ She laughed out loud at her own thoughts. She was about to leave when something tapped the glass. She glanced up and to avoid screaming, she clasped her hand over her mouth. The manikins had moved and they both had hands on their hips as they frowned at her.

_-You are wrong Frenchy. Blondes don't always do it better. Some of them are dumb as hell but we're sure you know all about that.-_

_Are they talking to me? Are they REALLY talking to me?_

_-Yes we are baby doll!-_

_C'est la folie! (This is madness!)_

_-Oh stop it blondie. You're such a bitch which is why you'll be getting yours soon. Skinny, blonde, and dollish? Oh we're going to teach you how to appreciate what you have without being a bitch. Randy found out the hard way but we're going to make sure it sinks in real good with you. The God's are on the prowl and you're our next victim.- _

The lights in the mall went out…or at least it seemed that way to Maryse. She blacked out in front of the store and the Gods went to work on her.

_-Just wait until she wakes up. She'll have a new perspective on life.-_

**~xx~**

Shawn tried to pull his arms from the posts but it was no use. Chris had got him good so now he had no choice but to actually behave. At some point during the night (or early morning) Chris had tied his arms to each of the bed posts so now he couldn't move. _Good thing I don't have to go potty._ He began to pout. _How come no one ever trusts me? It's not like anyone's here for me to mess with…except John who doesn't technically count since he's such a baby. _Shawn let a sigh and went back to staring at the ceiling daydreaming about all the sweets he were going to have later.

"Dude. Why so _serious_?" Shawn looked away to find Cena standing at the foot of the bed with an amused look on his face. Shawn scoffed.

"Shouldn't you be somewhere with Dave?"

"Actually I was with Dave all morning. We had breakfast together."

"So you two are a pair now huh?"

"Not really. Actually, I'm not sure. Our entire morning was kind of weird. Two dominant figures can't really work. Anyway I'm thinking Dave should move in with us."

"And why?"

"Because I think he's confused about things too. He lusts after me but he went on and on about how good Chris looked in his trunks the other night."

"Oh dear. Chris certainly won't like this. Oh well…So help a partner out. Let me loose."

"Naa…Chris put you there for a reason and I should probably leave you there."

"Oh come on!" Shawn pouted. "You know I'm not going to do anything…except maybe bother you." Shawn's eyes suddenly lit up. "Oooooo! John come on! Let me up! We're finally alone so I have plenty of time to test my theory." Shawn wriggled around trying to force his arms loose but it was no use. Cena watched him with an amused look on his face then shook his head.

"Shawn, you're _not_ popping my cherry sweetheart. The Gods told me I was a top."

"Well they lied," he grumbled. "Come on John. Let me up. I promise I'll make it worth your while," he teased. "Don't you _want _me to touch you John? Don't you want to _feel_ me inside you?" he coaxed. "Don't you want to scream my name when I bring you the greatest pleasure ever known to man?" Shawn licked his lips watching Cena very closely. He could tell Cena was tempted, his eyes giving him away. Shawn smiled. He was going to have some fun tied up or not. He closed his eyes and started arching his back. "Mn…God I'm so hot for you John," he moaned. "I'm imagining you right now kissing my neck and touching my lollipop." Cena's jaw just dropped. Just what the hell was Shawn playing at? Cena had a thing for Shawn – always have but it wasn't until his run in with a God that he started having wet dreams about him. Cena cursed loudly.

"Dammit Shawn! Stop kidding around. I can't…You know I can't touch you," he whined. "Chris would—

"Oh God John! You're _so_ good," he moaned. "Please," he whimpered. "Please touch me."

"I'm…I'm ignoring you," Cena managed but even as he said the words his shirt was being tossed to the floor and his body was crawling towards the helpless blonde. He didn't touch him – not at first. He just listened to the sounds of his moans wondering how the hell Chris could even think to leave him alone.

"John…kiss me John." John hovered over Shawn's body and kissed his lips. It was slow and Shawn's lips were so soft. He wanted more. Shawn's mouth parted allowing him to slide his tongue right in. John slowly ran his hands down Shawn's sides before tearing his lips away to kiss Shawn's neck. Shawn shuddered. There was something different about the way John kissed him. Even his touch seemed…more electrifying. Now he _REALLY_ wanted to be touched. As if John could read his thoughts, a hand quickly found its way inside his boxers to play with his now erect member.

"So you really _did _want me?" Cena teased, his deep sexy voice sending more chills through Shawn. Shawn thrust into his hand.

"Make me cum," he breathed. Cena took his lips again stroking him slowly at first and then faster as Shawn's moans filled the room. Soon Shawn arched into him, gasping his name while he cummed. Cena kissed his lips one last time before rolling off of him.

"There. I made you cum now will you be quiet?"

"But John…if you untie me I'll return the favor." Plus I think I want more of him… Cena shook his head.

"No way. Chris would kill me and throw me out. I don't want to wear out my welcome just yet." Even though my cock is screaming to be inside of you…

"Come on John," Shawn pouted. "You know you want me to touch you."

"Shawn I'm—

The door suddenly burst open and in ran Chris slamming the door behind him. He leaned against the door panting heavily ignoring the concerned looks he was getting from Shawn and Cena.

"Don't," he breathed. "Do NOT open this door for any reason whatsoever." Both Shawn and Cena cut each other 'WTF' looks but didn't say anything. Instead they waited silently for an explanation. Their answer came sooner than they thought. Suddenly there was a banging on the door followed by hysterical crying.

"Chris! Chris please! You have to help me!" It sounded a lot like Maryse. "Everyone, Dave told me to come to you monsieur," she choked.

"NO! GO AWAY!" Chris yelled. "IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU PISSED OFF THE WRESTLING GODS!"

"But Chris," she sobbed. "I dyed my hair red and now I look like a slut," she sobbed. "Tell them I'm sorry Chris! Tell them I never meant any of it!"

"You tell them yourself now get going! If you bother me one more time today I'll tell the Gods to make you bald." She screamed loudly before they heard the sound of her running down the hall.

"I take they got her too?" Cena asked.

"Yeah and now she's losing it. She has this whole mentality that "blondes do it better"—

"We do," Shawn grinned.

"And that American women have no sense of fashion and they eat too much so all day she's been stuffing her face with American food and speaking fluent English."

"Oh so the Gods made her American?" Shawn asked.

"Something like that. But enough about her. How have you two been?" Cena cut his eyes towards his crotch and said a silent prayer to the Gods for letting Maryse's shrill voice kill his erection. He grinned.

"I've been great. Just making sure your girl over there stays out of trouble."

"Oh good. So did he?" Cena cut his eyes towards Shawn who was pleading silently at him to tell a lie. _Like I'd rat him out…_

"Yeah he was good…for the most part. He talks too much though. I recommend a gag next time."

"Will do. Alright baby. I'll untie you so you can give me a shower."

"Oh goody! Can John join us?"

"What?! NO!"

"But Chris—

"For the last time Shawn, you are NOT popping his cherry!" Shawn lay back against the linen pouting. _I don't want to pop his cherry anymore anyway. I just want him to touch me again._

_

* * *

_**AN: Hope you had a laugh...or two...or three. Back by popular request was Hunter and Mr. Sledgehammer. Don't know why that damn hammer is so controlling. Ahh well...Next up. Probably Sir William Regal because he makes me laugh. Not really sure yet. Just depends on what pops into my head the next time I need a break from Bret muse. Ta Ta**


	7. Sex Gods, suckers, & drinking

**AN: CM Punk and Vladimir Kozlov's characters are based off the ones created by Taker-took-my-Toys. They are from her "Diaries" fic and I couldn't help but continue on her legacy. I doubt I did them the kind of justice she would but I had this idea to make Punk…well you'll see and the way she made him fit his "problem". So…enjoy.**

* * *

Wrestling God Fact # 497 - **The Gods are guilty of creating mayhem. However there is always good underneath it all, often times resulting in the realization that maybe the change is for the better. But before the realization takes over, one must go through a series of mishaps until the right one presents itself resulting in a "happily ever after" scenario.**

Wrestling God Fact # 518 - **It is never okay to drink in large quantities but in the case that a God makes you drink, it's probably for the best.**

Wrestling God Fact # 1 - **Sex Gods are teases and 99% of the time, they don't know this. 100% of the time they are unaware that they even are Gods at all. Best thing for you to do when approached by a Sex God is to run.**

**~~**~~**

_For SkyeEyes16, Deathbat Hardy Girl and Taker-took-my-Toys_

**~*~*~**

Chris stood in the hallway checking himself out in a body mirror. He was sporting a new pair of trunks that read 'Spank Me' and he was inwardly daring someone to do it. Tonight he was going to kick their asses even if he didn't want to mess up his new heels. "Ahh I look perfect." With one last glance in the mirror, Chris started down the hall to find his A.D.D. boyfriend Shawn. Along the way he ran into Hunter who was sitting in a chair holding his sledgehammer.

"Er…alright there Hunter?" Chris asked, even though he knew Hunter was still bitter over Shawn. However, much to his surprise Hunter seemed cordial towards him.

"Oh Chris…tina." Chris glared. "Oh come on Chris. I'm just kidding around. How are ya? You look…" Hunter stared at Chris' ridiculous heels and shook his head.

"I look better than _you_ assclown," he huffed.

"Sure you do. So how's Shawn and the kid? Hear you guys are just one big happy family right now."

"Cena's fine. He's officially over Shawn…I think."

"Yeah. That's what I keep telling myself too though at the moment I'm inclined to believe it." At that very second though, Hunter spotted Shawn coming up the hall wearing the tightest black chaps he'd ever seen. His hair was down and he was sucking on his favorite pink lollipop. Hunter sighed. "Nope. Still not over him. Say Chris, can I borrow Shawn? Maybe he, Jeff and I can have a threesome."

"What?! NO!"

"Well it didn't hurt to ask. So why the hell you continue to keep Cena around if he's no longer staring at Shawn with googly eyes?"

"I'm not sure really," he answered thoughtfully. "Maybe I like having him around. It sure is funny watching Shawn beg to pop his cherry."

"Yeah that would amuse me too and—what the fuck is up with Kozlov?" Chris turned around to see Vladimir coming up the hall wearing a Rambo like outfit. He had a rifle in his hand (loaded according to all the screams) and he was wearing a…football helmet. Hunter picked up his hammer. "Alright you. What the hell is up with Kozlov?"

Chris didn't know what to make of Hunter talking with his hammer so he eased away from him being he didn't want to be associated with crazy people. He decided he might as well find out on his own why the hell Kozlov was dressed like Rambo carrying a pistol. He followed the screams into the ladies locker room and was almost run over by divas fleeing the scene.

"Everyone eez going crazy eeround here," Maryse fussed. "I am tired of dis. Chreese you hav to do sometheen about deez…deez Gods! By God look at me! I look horrible! And why eez Kozlov carrying around such a dangerous weapon?"

"I…don't know but I'm going to find out." Chris pushed his way past Maryse. "Hey. Hey Kozlov? What the hell is up with you tonight?"

He turned around saluting Chris. "VI'm preparing vor de war against de Germans. Vey is going to keel us."

"Wha…?"

"Die Deutschen werden uns alle töten (the Germans are going to kill us all). Just you vait and see. Vorld Var thwee!"

Chris let out a sigh. _This is going to be a long night…_

_**~**~**  
_

John Bradshaw Layfield stood silently against the wall, his hat laying low over his forehead. It was pure madness these days in the WWE and he wanted no part of it. Not that he could be apart of it anyway. Mark or rather _The Undertaker, Dark Lord of the Great Grecian Urn_ forbade him to participate in such shenanigans and he had to obey him or else suffer the wrath of the Wrestling Gods. John sighed. He hated being Mark's slave. It wasn't that he didn't like being told what to do. In fact, he found it wildly erotic that someone could order him around and get away with it. Every time the Deadman spoke it sent chills down his spine; chills that could never mean anything. Why? Because Mark had no interest in a 'slave' and John wanted something more. The Gods made John a slave to Mark because he abused his God power when he was champ. Until they felt John was truly changed he would have to continue making midnight runs to the nearest Wal-Mart to get his boss cheesecake and stakes to use on sacrifices.

A familiar fragrance tickled John's nose and his head quickly shot up. He watched longingly as Shawn walked by followed closely by CM Punk. Shawn was sucking his favorite lollipop while Punk was marching behind him carrying a marshmallow shooter. John sighed. Oh how he'd love to be that lollipop…or the guy that got to spend countless hours alone with Shawn or Punk. Both men were so different but they both had something John had given without ever realizing it – his heart. _Haven't I paid enough Gods? _John watched Shawn bend over stretching in his ridiculously tight pants. Punk stood idly by playing with his shooter but then suddenly took off up the hall screaming something about saving strangers. That gave John a great view of everyone's favorite resident sexy boy. When Shawn finished stretching he turned around flashing John a warm smile. John turned red in the face and lowered his head again staring down at the floor. He was ashamed of himself for having been caught staring and what's worse he was sure Mark would find out about it at some point. _I'm doomed…_

"Hey there John."

John looked up and gasped. "Sh…Shawn! Wha…wha…what are you doing? I mean why are you—

Shawn covered his lips with a finger grinned. "Shush. It's okay sweetheart." He giggled. "I saw you watching me stretch. Did you like what you saw or should I do better?" he asked seductively.

"Bu-bu-uh-well…I was…" Shawn smiled that perfect smile and John knew he was going to melt soon. "I…I better get going."

"Aww…why are you leaving?" Shawn pouted. "Was it something I said?" John stared at him for the longest time imagining himself kissing those pouty lips. Shawn giggled again then pressed his lips against John's for a quick kiss. The larger Texan gasped then turned red as a cherry in the face. "OMG! You are so cute Jibble!"

"M-m-m-me…me? You…you think I'm…cute?"

"Yep. I think you're uber cute and..." All of a sudden Shawn's eyes lit up. "Oooo John! Maybe we're like soul mates. My song fits us. You're so freaking cute and I'm sexy. I could make up a song about us!"

"Uh…" John didn't know what to say to that.

"Hmmm…" he frowned. "I'll have to think on it some more so I can sing it properly." Shawn threw his arms around the Texan. "Oh John. I'm so bored. Will you play with me?"

"P-pl-play with you? Uh…Shawn I…I don't know if I can," he stammered looking around for Mark. _Ohhh if Chris or Mark sees me I'm dead!_

"Oh why not?" Shawn pouted. "You've been standing here all alone most of the night. John Cenapoo won't play with me because he's scared of Chrissypoo. Chrissypoo is somewhere practicing his stripper dance and Hunter's talking with a sledgehammer. I'm feeling neglected and I want to play so play with me Jibble. Please?"

John looked down into those beautiful jewels and wished to God he had stayed in Mark's limo. He sighed. _Well if I'm going to die, I might as well die happy._ He patted Shawn on the head. "Sure. Why not? What do you want to play?"

Shawn's eyes lit up and then a playful grin crept up on his face. John wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. "Well John…since you asked…I'd really like to play the kissing game."

"Wha…kissing game?" John blushed again causing Shawn to giggle.

"Oh you are too cute Jibble." Shawn grabbed his hand practically dragging him up the hall singing some song about tight cherries happily. "Let's go inside your private locker room. I get the feeling I'm not going to want any interruptions."

**~~**~~**

Chris was tired of screwing with Kozlov for one evening. He managed to get the ammo and guns away from him but not the helmet. Kozlov refused to remove the football helmet for fear of over head bombing.

"Vey vill vill us Vis! Vombs! Eveywhere!"

"Yeah, yeah," Chris mumbled. He dragged the guns and bag of ammo outside the arena. He told one of the security guards to get rid of it then he slowly made his way back inside. His feet were killing him and he had a huge headache. All he wanted was a moment of peace so he opted for the break room. Once inside he locked the door thanking God that he was finally alone only…he wasn't alone. Sitting on the floor in a corner was the elder Hardy brother Matt and he was crying. Chris frowned. Normally he could give a rats ass about anyone else and their problems. Unfortunately for him, the Gods thought it was funny to make him the messenger and since he was already helping about five other people, he might as well offer his services to Matt. He kicked off his heels and slowly made his way towards Matt. When the older Hardy refused to look up, Chris took a seat beside him, ignoring the slight tingle he got when their arms brushed.

"Wha…what do you want?" Matt sniffled. Chris stared at him for a moment taking in how curly his hair looked and how cute it was.

"Nothing," Chris grumbled. "I just want these parasites to leave me alone and the hypocrites to stop being hypocrites. I'm growing tired of all the madness."

"Oh."

Silence. Chris waited for Matt to volunteer some kind of response but when he didn't Chris thought it best to ask anyway. "So what's wrong with you? Jeff still being a douche?"

"No. He's fine. We're friends again…I think."

"Oh well that's good then right?"

"I guess but…" Matt turned to Chris, his intense dark eyes boring into him making his heart race. "But I don't think I want it anymore…at least not from him."

"Want it?" Chris was confused.

"You…you promise not to tell?"

"Who am I gone tell? Scratch that. Who's actually going to listen?"

Matt smiled. "Good point. Well…Jeff and I have been having sex a lot lately and it's really good sex but I don't want to anymore. But when I try to resist something in me makes me want it and I give into him ya know? He's my baby brother so I got to give him what he wants but my heart's just not in it like it was in the beginning. And I think Jeff's feeling the same way because he spends most of his time letting Hunter do him but in the end, he always comes back to me. Guilt I guess. I love him you know but I also like somebody else. He's…not exactly single and he's probably in love with someone else but even so I need to break away again. I'm happy that Jeff and I are no longer fighting, but it's Hunter he really wants and I want someone else too."

"Wow." Chris laughed nervously. "I expected a lot of things but that was the last thing I expected."

"You think we're weird huh?"

"No…not weird. Weird is watching Randy stare in a mirror for hours screaming at himself for being ugly when he's not. Weird is watching Shawn run around in a skirt begging John to let him pop his cherry." This earned him a really cute giggle from Matt. "And weird is being a guy parading around in trunks and some high heels telling everyone off for being hypocrites. Now _THAT'S_ weird," he chuckled.

Matt's smile faded and his face turned to one of hurt. "I don't think that's weird."

"You…don't?"

"No." He smiled. "I think it's really sexy to be honest." He stood to his feet then reached out his hand helping Chris stand. "Thanks for cheering me up."

"Uh…no problem," he squeaked, feeling nervous for the first time in his life. Matt smiled and before Chris knew it, Matt was cupping his face drawing him in for a kiss.

"Have a good night Chris." He pulled away slowly then left, leaving Chris all alone and completely, utterly confused about everything. _What…the hell?_

**~*~~*~**

Cena watched Shawn drag JBL into his private locker room and he sighed. He knew exactly what Shawn was about to do but Shawn was being Shawn. It was either Cena or JBL and Cena considered himself lucky. Shawn had teased him one too many times and Cena wanted him. God he really, _really_ wanted to fuck the hell out of Shawn but it would be wrong. Shawn belonged to Chris though in Shawn's mind he belonged to only himself. Cena shook his head. He didn't see how Chris could stand it, the way people would look at his boyfriend like they wanted to devour him for supper. Cena knew all too well what it was like to be hypnotized by the Sexy Boy. The Wrestling Gods were so cruel having made Shawn look like a Sex God but he wasn't about to actually curse the Gods. Oh hell no. He didn't want to feel any more of their wrath. While a part of him still longed to touch that greedy little blonde he refused to do it. He had too much respect for Chris, especially since Chris was the one who helped him. He just hoped that he could silence his beating heart and make Little John stay asleep whenever Shawn was around otherwise he was going to get in a lot of trouble.

"Psst. Hey Cena?"

"Huh?" John looked up just realizing that he'd been staring down at the floor but he didn't see anyone.

"Yo? Wonder Boy? Down here." John looked down to see a blowpop standing straight on it's little stick.

"Aww," he groaned. "This is not happening again."

"Pick me up yo!" it yelled.

With a sigh, Cena reluctantly picked up the pink blowpop. "What do you want?" he grumbled. "Can't you see I'm brooding?"

"Yo check it. I can see dat but man you gotta get a move on if ya want yo man. Dat Shawn has a tight ass and I wouldn't mind tappin' dat myself!"

Cena quirked his brow. "Um…have you lost your damn mind since last time?"

The sucker giggled. "Sorry Cena. I was just trying to find an easy way to get through to you. Anyway, I just thought I'd tell you that the Gods are happy with you. They think you're taking this gay thing quite well."

"Good for me…I guess."

"Yeah. Good for you! But you should know that the Gods will be making you un-gay soon."

"Huh? Come again?"

It giggled. "Yep. They are going to put you back to normal soon. That is what you want right?"

"Uh…well…"

_"Mn…God I'm so hot for you John," Shawn moaned. "I'm imagining you right now kissing my neck and touching my..."_

"Don't worry your pretty little head off John. The Gods can't interfere with true love therefore if you fall in love with a man then despite what we do, you'll remain the same. That goes for all the guys here. But don't take the word 'soon' to heart. Soon could mean 3 days or it could mean 300 days. It just all depends on how we feel. I'll be the first of the Gods to say that it definitely won't be in 3 days. Some of these guys are yet to learn their lessons. So keep me and give me to someone you like later. I've been told that I'm a lucky sucker."

"Uh right."

"Well good bye John. Keep up the good work!"

John shook the lollipop a few times then put it in his pocket. _Damn Gods._

**~*~*~**_  
_

It was a long crazy night at the arena and when the show was over, Chris and the other headed straight back to the hotel. "Man what a crazy night," Chris mumbled. He slid down the door of their (and by 'their' I mean Shawn, Chris and Cena) hotel room glad to be away from the arena for once. Cena took a seat on the edge of the bed while Shawn stretched out beside him watching Chris with playful eyes.

"Aww hunny it wasn't _that _bad," he grinned. "I was highly amused tonight."

"That's because you had JBL looking at you like a piece of candy all night," Cena mumbled. "Flirting with him and all."

"Awww are you jealous?"

"No," he grumbled.

"Not my fault the Gods made me irresistible Johnny. Besides I've seen you look at me that way too," Shawn said smugly then he lowered his voice so that only Cena could hear him. "You can have me whenever you like John."

Cena pretended to ignore him even though his brain was creating all kinds of scenarios that involved him touching Shawn all over the place. "That's because you tease me when Christina over there isn't looking," he mumbled.

"I do not!" Shawn huffed. "Besides I don't tease. I _please_," he answered smugly.

"Yes you do!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Oh will you two stop it?" Chris snapped. "I've had it up to here with the Gods for one night."

"You know Chris, for once I'd have to agree," Cena mused. "There was so much craziness going on that I'm sure Vince is probably ready to have all of us tested for every drug possible."

Chris sighed. "I've seen things like this happen before and as much as I hate the craziness, I can't say that we're completely doomed. At least everyone can still go out there and put on a show each night. It got so bad at WCW that we ended up having to sell to Vince."

"Wait a second. You mean to tell me WCW fell because of the Wrestling Gods?" Cena asked.

"Yep but don't worry about the WWE…yet. Not everyone has been affected and the ones that have aren't being punished to the point where they can't perform."

"I don't know Chris," Shawn said skeptically. "Did you actually _talk_ with Punk tonight?"

Chris shook his head. "No. I was a little preoccupied trying to get Kozlov to understand that we are not going to war with Russia anytime soon but it was like talking to a brick wall. I don't think he understood a word I said."

Shawn and Cena cut each other looks before bursting out laughing. "Okay…I'm…I'm sorry," Cena laughed. "It's not really funny but then it is kind of funny being that it was Punk."

"So what did he do?" Chris asked.

"Well…" Shawn started but Cena cut him off.

"Oh no blondie. I'm telling the story. I know you. You'll leave stuff out or blame me when it was really all you."

"But I—

"Nope. I got this," Cena grinned. "Okay Chris. So Shawn and I…"

**~xx~**

"Shawn for the hundredth time I am _not_ going to touch you again and you are _not_ poppin my cherry baby."

"But John," Shawn pouted. "I saw you watching me get dressed this morning and last night I could feel Little John poking me—

"You…you what?" Cena stammered, his face turning redder by the second. He didn't really remember getting a hard on last night unless it was from the dream he had about Shawn and Chris. The two made out so much that it was hard not to have wet dreams about doing stuff with them.

Shawn grinned. "Yep. You were hard as a rock and I started to put you out of your misery but I didn't want to wake Chrissy. He was uber tired after that fiasco with Maryse and Maria."

"Uh…" Cena chuckled nervously. "Must have been that dream I had."

"Dream huh?" Shawn smirked before closing the gap between them urging Cena back against the cool steel. "How about I make that dream cum true?" Shawn ghosted his hands across John's chest all the way down to his belt. "Was I in this dream?" he asked softly.

"Sh…Shawn…I can't…I can't tell you and please don't tease man," he pleaded. "I want nothing more than to lick your sucker. I _really_ want to but Chris…Chris will kill me and throw me out."

"Who says he has to know?" Shawn teased. "Besides not your fault he left me unattended." Shawn slid a hand over Cena's belt then down in between his legs rubbing the outside of his shorts until he felt Cena hardening in his hand. "Oh dear. What have we here?"

"Shawn stop teasing man," Cena pleaded. "You're going to get me in so much trouble."

"That he is strangah." Both Cena and Shawn turned around to see Punk sitting in a chair playing with a doll and holding a marshmallow shooter. He was wearing one of Shawn's (or rather an HBK straw hat) and his usual skull tee with pink and black trunks.

"_Strangah_?" Shawn asked. He looked over at Cena but Cena was just as confused as he was.

"Yep. You're tryin' to get poor John here in trouble," he answered smugly. "I calls it like I sees it strangah."

"Um…are you drunk?" Shawn blurted out.

"And what's with the strangah kick?" Cena asked. "You seen one too many Clint Eastwood movies?"

Punk only shrugged as he tossed the doll up in the air. "I'm fine. I've just been given a new goal in life. I'm going to save that other strangah."

"Save? Save who?" Shawn asked.

"That Hardy boy. He's nothing but a glorified spot monkey. You only get that way from doing speed. But I'll save him. I'll prove to him that alcohol is better than drugs."

"But he's not on speed. He's actually high on sugar each week from eating so many skittles. Blame that on Sexy Boy here and…wait. I thought you didn't drink?"

"Yeah!" Shawn exclaimed.

"I know that strangahs. Speed is skittles and I only drink when the Gods tell me to," he pointed out.

"Huh?"

"The Wrestling Gods. My doll is one," he said with a grin. He held up the strange looking doll and put it to his ear. "Uh huh. I agree. She says Shawn's going to get it if he don't stop being so greedy."

Shawn gasped then pouted. "Sorry. I'll do better."

"Very good strangah. Well…I got to run. The Hardy boy will be here soon and I must be ready to save him."

"Uh…right. You do that," Cena encouraged.

"Bie strangahs!" he said happily and with a wave he was gone.

**~xx~**

Chris stared at the two of them frowning. "Are you two serious?"

Cena nodded his head. "I am dead serious and what's worse is that he followed Jeff around half the night trying to shoot him with his marshmallow shooter. That pissed Hunter off so he got his sledgehammer and started chasing after Punk. Apparently the "ammo" Punk had was dipped in alcohol first so he was going to shoot the alcohol laced mallows down Jeff's throat while Hunter was pissed about having a hard on and no valuable time to do anything about it. Madness!"

"Oh boy." Chris sighed. "I haven't the time to deal with anymore parasites. Why can't you guys learn to obey the Gods?" A big grin formed across Cena's face. "What? What now?" Chris asked tiredly.

"Well…" He cut his eyes towards Shawn who was now sucking on another pink lollipop. "At least you get to be the greedy one for a while."

Chris' face suddenly lit up. "You're right. Hey Shawny baby?"

"Hn?" He withdrew his sucker with a loud pop wondering why Chris suddenly looked so eager. "Uh…did I miss something?"

"Oh no sweetie," he sang. "This will be too sweet. John you're on the floor tonight. Shawn and I will need the whole bed since I'm sure this won't be easy, but I'm prepared to fight all night if I have to."

"Fight for what?" Shawn sat up on the bed still confused as hell about everything.

"Your tight little ass dear," Cena sang. "And if I were Chris, I'd pound the hell out of it all night long."

"Wait…wha…?"

Cena leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I'm going to take a shower. You two have fun."

"Wa…now wait a second," he huffed. "I don't care what the Gods say. I refuse to be a bottom anymore!"

"Well then you can't be a top either. God you are so selfish," Chris scolded.

"Well I wouldn't be this way if _somebody_ would just let me pop his cherry."

"NO!" Chris and Cena both shouted.

Shawn folded his arms across his chest and pouted. "Fine. Then I guess none of us will be getting off anytime soon. Either I get to pop John's cherry or you have to let him touch me again!" he demanded. Chris cut his eye towards Cena, his face twisted in confusion.

"Touch him again? What is he talking about Cena?" Shawn's jaw just dropped and then he clasped his hand over his mouth. Cena just glared at him.

"Thanks a lot you big baby. You still managed to get me in trouble anyway."

"I wanna know what's going on!" Chris stomped. "Tell me now! Tell me now dammit!"

"Alright, alright. Calm down!" Cena grumbled. "Okay. So…you left Shawn tied up that day and well…he kept teasing me and I told him no but he was moaning so beautifully Chris and…"

"Just…I don't wanna hear any more." He looked over at his boyfriend who was now pouting. "I don't know what to do with you sometimes. Oh well…" Chris kicked off his heels and stood to his feet. "Cena can he pop your cherry?"

"NO!"

Chris shrugged. "Guess we're all going to bed horny. I'm sleeping between the two of you too just to make sure you guys behave. Cena, no poking me in my ass because unlike Shawn I'll just push you on the floor."

"Chris can I sleep on top of you?" Shawn asked sweetly.

"No because then you'll be trying to rub up against me and get me hard. You know I can never really say no to you so no. Not tonight Shawny. How about you ask Cena?"

Shawn looked over at Cena but he was already shaking his head. "No way."

Shawn pouted. "Can I at least get a kiss?"

"I might can handle that," Cena grinned. "Come here you little brat." John pulled Shawn towards him and enclosed his lips for a kiss. It was supposed to be quick and just a means to shut Shawn up but it was more than that. Shawn sighed and Cena's tongue eagerly went to town exploring his mouth. Cena don't know what made him pull away but he did, refusing to meet Chris' gaze as he sulked to his side of the bed. Next was Chris' turn to kiss his lover but when he did it didn't feel right. Of course he didn't tell Shawn that but a part of him felt like Shawn would not have cared one way or the other anyway.

He quickly crossed the room and got into bed, Shawn crawling in shortly after next to him. Shawn curled into Chris while Chris snuggled up next to Cena. They all said their goodnights before supposedly drifting off into a peaceful slumber, the trick of the Gods weighing heavily on their minds. Chris thinking of Matt's kiss and half wondering why he never noticed Matt before, Shawn thinking of two Johns, and Cena wishing he was straight because he feared he was in love with a greedy Sex God. Yep. The Gods were still hard at work and no one had a clue how things were going to end.

* * *

**AN: I know. It's still as stupid as ever but hey. I never said it was going to make much sense. Think of it as the Gods' way of playing match maker. Its going to take a while to get there, but we'll get to somewhere…eventually.**


End file.
